The things I shouldn’t say

I’ve been blogging for four years now and yet days like today still come. 

They’re not days in which I’m tongue-tied – though I do have those days too – they’re days when I ought not to say anything. There’s not nothing to say. There’s too much.

Too much that shouldn’t be uttered.

Too much that shouldn’t be revealed, much of which is not necessarily mine to reveal. Not my stories. Not my pain. Not my journey or fight. And yet, they effect me, and not speaking of that pain is sometimes too hard for someone who puts her difficulties into word pictures in order to see through them.

In the past I’ve blogged about things as if they were happening to me, but I confess now I haven’t been entirely honest. You see some of those things have been tearing away at me from outside of me – they belong to those close to me. Not me. They are happening to someone else.

Yet, I still feel the pain.

I still have to explain to others why things have happened and why other things have not. I still have to cajole gently, tread lightly on the eggshells and maintain at all times a positive outlook. A calm expression that won’t frighten the horses, or the children.

I deflect the anger and the sadness and the grief, and some days, like today, my own personal shield and set of emotional armour is not entirely robust. This is not easy. I am not Teflon. I cannot shake everything off, all the time.

Sometimes the spear slices cleanly through the chinks in the armour. I know in my rational mind that I should not take it to heart, it’s the illness talking. I know sometimes I send back hateful angry messages, but these are only directionless darts they don’t intentionally have a target.

They are an expression of my frustration. Not hate. Though hateful they might sound.

I have too much to say.

Yet I am gagged by all these things I shouldn’t say.

May I just ask of you one thing?

Today as you go about your life, please keep an eye out for those who are suffering, physically and mentally. Be gentle with them, and please be even more gentle with their loved ones. Their pain is not so obvious.

  • MidlifeSinglemum

    Sometimes when it would really help to blog it, you just can’t. I understand that. I hope it passes without too much destruction in its wake. Hugs. xxx

    • vegemitevix

      And yet look at all these wonderful people who get it. Who understand. How amazing is that! xx

      • Nicola De Gouveia

        Sending you hugs and kind thoughts across the miles. xx

  • Sammy

    You are amazing Vicki. I know that you are not asking for affirmation, just to be heard… and yet you are awesome. I don’t know you well, but I know you are generous of heart and a giver. Today, be kind to you xxx

    • vegemitevix

      So touched by your lovely comment. Thank you Sammy x

  • uniquenique01

    Wishing you strength to move through and know that you will come out the other side still well loved and stronger. Only good thoughts sent your way

    • vegemitevix

      Thanks so much. One day I’ll be able to write the word pictures and hopefully then I will be able to write them in such a way that they bring hope to others.

      • uniquenique01

        That sounds like the Vicki that I have been getting to know when the time is right I have no doubt that you will be able to write the word pictures to bring hope to others – in so many ways you do already.

  • Elizabeth Collins

    (((((((((((((hugs)))))))))))))

    Wishing for a day of reprieve for you, an oasis of love in the middle of the desert…

    • vegemitevix

      At least I can report that with so much work on there’s been a great deal of distraction from the difficulties.

  • donnasimone

    Love and hugs to you Vicki. I hear you loud and clear. x

    • vegemitevix

      And that understanding makes me feel so much less alone and isolated. It makes all the difference.

  • expatmum

    XX

    • vegemitevix

      Thank you! x

  • Catherine

    Always be kind as everyone is fighting their own battle
    That is my motto

    Sending you love and hugs

    xxx

    • vegemitevix

      Very true indeed. If there’s one thing I’ve learnt over my lifetime it is simply this.

  • anne

    I know the feeling as one family member very close to me suffered and fighting their battle everyday ..I also suffered a few years ago .. and my youngest son has Asperger syndrome , bless him, he is very caring but what a struggle. I hear what you are saying , take care of yourself . Yes blogging would help but sometimes you just can’t. x

    • vegemitevix

      Thank you so much for understanding. It is so not easy.

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