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Moving Stories 6 – Moving for the job

by Vicki Jeffels on June 6, 2012

Many expats move for love, but sometimes  it’s not for love of another person, sometimes it’s for love of a career.

moving box

Moving can reinforce a couple's relationship as they realise that what they truly have goes way beyond what's in the boxes.

I’ve often thought about this because though I moved for love of my Englishman, who moved was all down to the careers at stake. My career was more flexible than his and I was able (in theory at least!) to move to the UK and find work here.

For my Englishman however, in the prime of his career, he didn’t feel he could move to New Zealand (to us) at that time. At times I wondered why it should be always the woman who moves! 

Very often I felt jealous of that other bitch in our life – the all-demanding mistress – his job.

Feelings have softened over the past four years and I think the expat experience can be enormously helpful not only in highlighting areas of conflict in our relationship, (that we need to broach and overcome) but ultimately, also, in bringing us closer together.

Our expat Moving Story today comes from Sharon, an Aussie who has moved around the world for her husband’s job. Her experience of expat life is encouraging as she reflects that moving overseas together has strengthened her marriage. Sharon blogs at An Expat Wife.

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Why did you move from Australia, originally?

I had no desire to travel.  I didn’t even have a passport and in 2008 I had just started a new job when my husband mentioned there was a 12 month position coming up in Galicia, Spain.  He applied for it and over the drawn out 3 months while waiting to see if we were moving I became really excited by the idea;  we’ve pretty much travelled as often as possible ever since.

Can you recall the time before you left and what your concerns about moving were? What did you think your biggest challenges would be?

Absolutely!  Our first time moving away we were sent on a week’s pre-visit.  It never occurred to me that it would be different.  I know it sounds daft, but I had only ever lived in rural Western Australia and then the quiet city of Adelaide. I was unworldly in every sense!

The home visit was a huge cultural shock, as everything was different; the food, the smells, the buildings, the people, meal times, shopping hours, traffic.  We did not encounter a single person who spoke English other than our relocation company.  It was fascinating and frightening and we wanted in!

 We have since moved to Thailand and I think being more aware of what to expect means you worry more.  This time around I was concerned about EVERYTHING.  I had to stop googling all things Bangkok as there were some regular search results that didn’t help me feel as keen as I was the first time around.

Everything that glitters isn't gold - there are challenges living as an expat in Thailand

What did you think you would miss most about your home country, apart from family?

Vegemite…that was all we thought we would miss.  (A girl after my own heart! Ed) We were too excited to think of other things.  And it was the same the second time around, thankfully they sell vegemite in our local store.

What have you missed about the other ‘homes’ you’ve had?

I miss apartment living in Spain.  The clothes line was a pull out rail that we had to lean out of our laundry window to use and below us were the clothes lines of the other residents and a drop of 10 floors.  I never worried about falling out,  but I did lose quite a few socks!

Our current house is one of the nicest and largest we have ever lived in, and we could not afford to live this way back in Australia.  I never thought I would say this but I miss the electricity bills from home – the air conditioner is on most of the time and it’s very costly.

Have you been surprised by what you really have missed about your home country?

I think we were more surprised that we didn’t miss more things about it.  It’s a wonderful country and we love it when we visit but we love travelling more.

Do you see your old age in this country or in Australia, and was moving a ‘for life’ decision or ‘for a while’ decision?

We have not moved for life, and we don’t even know how long we will be here for sure.  Our plan is to continue moving as expats,  returning to Australia in between opportunities.  Our long term goal is to live permanently in Europe but hopefully we can move a lot more before then.

Aside from the weather, what positives about life in Thailand can you tell us about?

I was not sure I would like the weather here as we are a family of winter lovers, but it’s not so bad, even the humid days are not unbearable.  The cost of living is so much cheaper – with our Australian dollar currently gives us 31.7 Thai Baht.

Accommodation, beauty products, spa treatments, medicines – they are all much cheaper for us.  I bought a perfume the other day, it cost $52 yet the exact same product in Australia previously cost me $190.  My son’s haircuts cost $4, a manicure costs $5 and a new release novel ($20 – $25 for in Aussie bookshop) costs less than $10.

Because wages are cheaper too we have employed a full time housekeeper- something we couldn’t afford at home. But then the houses  are very large. Our house  is one of the smaller homes and it has 4 bedrooms, 2 kitchens, 5 bathrooms, a maid’s quarters with a bedroom and bathroom and 4 living areas. If I tried to clean the house on my own I wouldn’t have time to spend with our energetic 2 year old.

Were the challenges the same as you envisaged or not?

I thought language would be a challenge but I have learnt some basic Thai and the area we live in is heavy with expats so there are many English speaking people  Before moving over we had a cultural day with an expert from Bangkok and she did warn us about racial issues and unfortunately I have experienced some of these issues. My husband hasn’t had the same experience as western men are treated very differently from western women here. Western women are not well liked by the locals.

What surprises have you had – good and bad – setting  up your new home in Thailand, and what snippets of been-there-done-that advice would you give would-be expats to Thailand?

Be prepared for a lot of upfront cost in rent To move into our home we had to pay half a million baht upfront – about $16,000 AUD!
Buying furniture was a nightmare too.  We had to furnish our large empty house from scratch so we thought IKEA would be our safest option.  It wasn’t.  We bought everything we needed – it took almost 4 hours as each department had to check the items we wanted were available – and even paid extra to have someone double check it and then returned home to wait.

Imagine the horror when  the truck came and only dropped off a few things!

The rest of our house lot of furniture wasn’t available and so we had to sleep on the floor for the 9 weeks it took for IKEA to deliver the rest of our stuff.

If you experienced conflict between you and your spouse about moving, or aspects of resettling, how easy did you find it to resolve them?

We did experience conflict, because on arrival we realised there had been a communication issue within my husband’s company meaning he had been sent to the South of Thailand, a more rural location, to work. By the time we realised it was too late and we had already established our Bangkok home.

So we now have to live apart on weekdays whilst he works and lives down South and comes home on weekends.  This had a big impact on our home life as we only have one car for our family and the area we live in is around 5 x 7km in area.  I felt very isolated, lonely and constricted.

But I think I just realised one day that if I didn’t make the most of the situation I was going to end up having to go home and that would affect the lives of four people not just myself.

I still sometimes have down days but they are not very often.

When you think of home, which country comes to mind now?

Australia but I am really not sure where in Australia!

In what ways do you think your family life, and your relationship/marriage, has become stronger after undertaking this adventure?

Being apart has helped us realise how much we do value family time.

Also, as there’s a lot of temptation in Thailand for the western man, (not only in nightclubs but also in everyday places like the supermarket, golf course, hair salon and sometimes even whilst walking down the street with your family) overcoming that insecurity whilst  living separately has been a real feat.

In the end knowing that you trust your partner (in spite of these distractions) is a huge positive or us, as it would be for any marriage.
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Do you think it’s the intensity of the expat experience that helps bring couples and families closer together? And what challenges do you think would be insurmountable for your family or relationship?

Image: Flickr CC
http://www.flickr.com/photos/ahhyeah/
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Tagged as: Australian expat, expat stories, expat wives, Moving Stories, Thailand, trailing spouses

  • uniquenique01

    Thank you for sharing your story with us ;~D. I have to say that being an expat has definitely brought our family closer to each other but as I come from a really large close family I struggle on a daily basis to overcome the loneliness I feel by being seperated from my brothers and sister and all my nephews and nieces this for me is more of a problem then missing my home country itself.

    • vegemitevix

      Oh I’m sorry to hear that you miss your extended family on a daily basis. That’s so difficult when the people we are closest to aren’t near so that they can be part of our day to day. Sometimes I wonder if this is an unfortuanate outcome of the trend towards world citizenship.

    • an expat wife

      I am sorry to hear that too. I mentioned in an earlier comment that we did not have a large or close family network so that made moving a lot easier for us.

  • Pingback: Moving Stories 6 – Moving for the job | Love Advice

  • ChaoticallyMe

    I found moving abroad absolutely brought us closer together as a family and as a couple. We married young (19) and lived pretty close to both sets of parents for 6 years! I think separating from the extended family has made us lean on each other completely whereas before unknowingly we still leaned a lot on our parents for emotional support. For our kids it was almost like they had 1 Mum and 2 kinda-almost-Mum’s (their Grandmother’s) and our family unit wasn’t as defined as it is now. I grieve a little for the precious time our kids miss out on with their grandparents, but on the other hand I know we’ll be a closer knit family for the long haul and that makes me smile. Each year one of our boys spends the UK summer holidays back in Australia. I think it gives them a great sense of independence and restrengthens the relationship with the extended family (helps put a bit of Aussie back into their accent too ;) ).

    I loved reading your experiences! Whilst it’s not quite the same (only a week here or there) I can totally relate to being in a foreign land and having your hubby away from you for work. My hubby is away for work for a week here and there in Zurich or New York. When I lived back in Australia I’d crash with my parents whenever my hubby was away even for just a few days. Coping on my own without backup took a little getting used to.

    • vegemitevix

      I must say I agree, I also relate to being on my own without support with young kids with my husband not being there. When I moved to Australia when my oldest two were little with husband number 1, he worked in Perth, we lived in Brisbane. It was awful. Whilst it brought me and the children together I think it did the opposite to my husband and I. We simply had different lives. Well done you maintaining such trust and security in your relationship.

      • ChaoticallyMe

        I think it would be so much harder if it was more than a week every few months. Even after the one week stint away it feels like there’s a big “gap” between us, which only gets filled when we manage to describe in detail everything we got up to during the previous week (a little tedious when the most I got up to was cleaning up puke and various other gross messes). If it was a regular thing then we’d stop sharing every detail of our time apart and it would absolutely feel like we were living separate lives. I can’t imagine how awful months of raising young kids alone would be. I’d be tearing my hair out without family support.

        A week is fortunately for me short enough that threats of “You can talk to your father about that young man” still hold some weight. Any longer and I’d be screwed ;)

        • vegemitevix

          The funny thing is that when they’re are away for long periods coping without them becomes second nature. I used to actually feel resentful when he came back from work with all his washing and demands on my time. We’d always have a fight when we were reunited, always. In fact even with my second husband who I love very much, we always have a reunion fight when we’ve been apart for a long time. When I was in NZ and he was living here in the UK, I learnt what it meant to physically yearn for someone.

          • ChaoticallyMe

            That’s completely understandable, anything that disrupts the routine you have going with your kids is a pain in the butt, let alone when you also have to now contend with the emotional needs of someone you haven’t seen in months! Reunion fight, lol! Oh I’m so glad that’s not just us. I also get a bit shitty whenever hubby takes holidays during school time and I have him hanging around 24/7. I know that’s a bit awful but it messes up my routine…oh and I have to share the computer (pfft!).

    • an expat wife

      Hi, I often wonder how people with closer families bak home cope with the big move. Both my husband and I were very independent and did not have a large family network so that side of moving was not hard for us.

      My husband has been travelling for work on and off now for 8 years (although never this much) and I am still not used to it, sometimes I would love that parents house to crash ;)

      • ChaoticallyMe

        I kind of wish we were more independent for all those years now in retrospect. It was a constant wedge between us and we didn’t even realise! I think a bit of space is healthy for a relationship.

        Oh I hear ya! Sometimes I’d kill to have my Mum take some of the slack when the kids are being particularly feral or at the very least have someone else make me a cup of tea whilst I try and fight the steam coming out of my ears ;)

  • MidlifeSinglemum

    I think relocating for a work contract that is for a specific number of years (even if you renew it and stay longer than originally intended) is very different from moving when you think it is probably for life. The former is an adventure whether you love it or hate it and you know it will come to an end. Moving for life means you have to come to terms with the new place being your home, and you have to make yourself love it somehow or be miserable your whole life. This was an interesting post as I’m also thinking of jobs abroad for a couple of years in a couple of years.

    • an expat wife

      I would think it’s much different too. It is an adventure and when it does end it can still be upsetting. Our first assignment in Spain went 7 months over and i remember on the day we left my daughter and I cried as we left our home, town and then the country behind. We spent the next 2 years in Australia and actually felt homesick for Spain. Now we have moved on again but still miss life in Spain. It is also hard not knowing how long you will be living in your current country for but if your considering jobs abroad I would highly recommend it :)

    • vegemitevix

      I absolutely agree with you. Sometimes I wonder if I have itchy feet – once I reach about 3/4 years somewhere I ready to move on. I guess I’m really looking for that nirvana – knowing where home is but being able to freely travel.

  • veryboredincatalunya

    I loved your story. I do wonder if it’s easier when you decide to move somewhere as a couple, rather than one moving to be with the other in a foreign country.

    Interesting that western women are held in such bad regard, but then I guess Thai women are quiet and subservient compared to us rowdy bunch.

    • an expat wife

      Thank you.

      I am baffled by how we are considered here (as Western Women) I have had people refuse to serve me in a shopping centre and then returning with my husband and having the same people bend over backwards to help! We live in the suburbs though…it’s a lot different in the city – everyone there was wonderful and friendly.

      • vegemitevix

        Strange too as I know that in the HSBC sponsored Expat Explorer worldwide survey, Thailand came out top trumps as being the best place for expats.

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