Wednesday 21 February 2012 6.58am
It may not be 1984 but we're watching you!
Good morning Citizen 546HTY and rise and shine for another day of freedom in the western world. Get out of bed you sleepyhead, you don’t want to be late signing on today (as you have been on Monday and Tuesday of this week). We know you weren’t delayed by the telephone, as your telephone records don’t show any calls at 8am this week. And speaking of it if yesterday was anything to judge by your day today will go a little like this….
Come on rise and shine, time to get into the shower and wash yourself down with Nivea shower soap (you bought 3 in the last special buy at Tescos which gave you another 10 clubcard points. Good job!). For breakfast you’ll make yourself some toast and wash down your regular dose of Prozac (don’t be ashamed, 9/10ths of people registered with your GP use it too!) with fresh orange juice that you can’t really afford but what the hell. You’ll follow that with a chaser of good coffee, it may be a recession but one does have to draw the line doesn’t one, and instant coffee just want do. Your two children under 16 years will race out the door walking to their local school where the older one is doing poorly and the younger one spends most of her time drawing pictures shrouded in black featuring daggers and cemetaries and titled ‘Die Bitch Die’. Let’s just say that the school has made record of our concerns about her mental wellbeing on her permanent record.You’d be well advised to keep an eye on her, and her university student brother.
You’ll receive an email from your son at 0915am when you log into Google mail, and he’ll tell you all about how hard he is studying (he’s not – unless his lectures are delivered at the local White Swan pub), and how he’s managing his money well (except for that humungous overdraft for beer money), and how things are pretty sweet. You’ll be pleased to hear from the prodigal son but don’t be too pleased, whilst writing this email he was simultaneously conducting a Google search for ‘fat old chicks with big titties’.
Ah well, kids eh?
At 1040 you’ll remember you need to run some errands so you’ll switch your mobile to vibrate and set off. If work rings you they’ll realise that you cannot be reached and must be on the phone. Cunning! At 1045 you left the Post Office wearing a red ski jacket and faded blue jeans and jumped into your car (an Audi license plate number – TY5498 and registered to HobNob Designs Ltd) and sped down the road. And we do mean sped.. you were clocked at doing 50 miles per hour in a 30 mile per hour zone and 100 miles per hour on the motorway. The signs on the motorway CCTV cameras say they’re not currently in use, but hey, whaddya know, we lie!
When you pull into your own car park you will sit for five minutes scoffing a chocolate bar of despair before grabbing the shopping bags and walking inside. By this afternoon that loaf of bread will be eaten and you’ll need to go out and buy some more. Did you know that your family currently consumes 10 loaves of bread a week and that is 5 loaves per week more than the national average for a family of your size? But then your family aren’t stingy with their creature comforts are they? If only you and your husband actually used that gym membership you took out at the beginning of the year, you are starting to look a bit porky (and your BP was 145/100 – you’re a walking heart attack!) Your family also used more than three times the typical amount of water for your size household and double the electricity.
After dinner tonight you’ll check your Facebook account, fend off some flirty personal chat from one of your husband’s friends (he must have been drinking as you are!), and will send out a couple of forlorn tweets about ‘is this it. Is this this good life’. It’s a good thing you chose to not send that tweet about how you were so fed up with your life that your husband’s body could be found under the patio. Good thing you didn’t send it, as we don’t have much sense of irony or humour when it comes to premeditated murder.
At 1130pm your husband will take one of his little blue pills that he bought illegally off the Internet and will hope for some sexual release – with or without you. It’ll be ok because as long as you’re still doing it things are ok. But tomorrow you will search for advice on Google about ‘why doesn’t my husband excite me anymore?’
It’s all over at midnight and you’ll turn out the light and head for the land of nod. We have no idea what you dream, we have no way of knowing……….. yet.
Sleep well Citizen 546HTY, sweet dreams of an unobserved life where you are free to do whatever you like in a free world.
Image: Flickr CC http://www.flickr.com/photos/dr_john2005/
