I avoid mirrors. And shop windows and anything with a reflection. I canno’t bear to have my own image – that comfortable forgiving mental image – shouted down by the reality I see reflected back to me.
Real beauty or unhealthy images?
Mirrors, shop windows – they are all too argumentative.
I’m sure I’m not the only sane, intelligent woman who has thoughts like this. I’m not the only one who has grabbed handfuls of skin and wistfully imagined a tool that could slice off this lump, shave off that bump, and sew together all the rest. I imagine some kind of saw, or even an exceptionally sharp cook’s knife cutting away the excesses of my life, but I don’t think of the pain or the blood. The crimson tide of life slipping away.
I couch these mental fantasies as self-improvement, and do not see them for what they really are, self-mutilation. Albeit psychological. If someone was to shave off the extra bits of my daughters’ bodies, I would tear them apart with my bare hands, and yet here I am imagining the very same of myself, and seeing it as desirable.
Why?
Because, like every other woman in the western world I am constantly bombarded with images of what a perfect body should be like. Despite being a professional marketer and understanding the language behind the advertising campaigns, I still succumb, albeit privately, to the insidious messages…
My body is not good enough.
I am not worth it, unless I buy this product or look like that. Even if that, is a teenage male model!
I am not enough as I am. I will always need a new pot of salicylic acid, or hydoxy-bullshit.
But I do love the pots of promise so much…
What’s even more insidious is that not only do women expect this of themselves, but I think the men in our world have started to expect nothing short of physical perfection. I fall way too short of that bar.
And yet, this is how it’s done (for everyone with the possible exceptions of the Middleton sisters and Elle McPherson!)
Why do we accept this when we understand the powerful imagery and advertising techniques at play? We need to purposefully reprogramme our minds to consider other examples of beauty, not just thin, flat-chested, pale skinned beauty. We need to stop this madness now.
We don’t need a rebound into accepting physical laziness or unhealthy obesity, either. Of course we need to promote healthy, strong, fit female bodies. Bodies that can raise merry hell, or a bawling babe. Bodies that can survive and thrive and suck the marrow out of life. Bodies that can express our love and passion without shame, with abandon and with the light on.
We need to be able to make peace with that woman in the mirror……..or one day our daughters will stand in front of their own bedroom mirror confronted by a mad woman (mentally) wielding a knife.
And that woman will be themselves.
The next time I stand in front of my bedroom mirror I’m going to focus on one thing I feel is beautiful about my body. I’m going to take that one thing and I’m going to promote it to myself. Whenever I think negatively about my body I’m going to counter those thoughts with this self-promotion.
Wanna join me? What aspect of your physical self will you celebrate?
You go, girl! Since my teens, I have been plagued with negative self-talk that I can’t seem to drown out completely. This has been the case at the high and low of my body weights (20kg apart, excluding pregnancies!) and at all points in between. I hate that I think about my body so constantly with negativity, and I hate the thought that I will unconsciously pass this trait on to my daughters. I do find that the problem is worst when I spend too much time by myself and/or don’t do some form of regular exercise. Exercise in particular really seems to help me mentally, regardless whether or not the results are visible physically or not! The weather is awful at the moment, and I can’t muster the energy to brave the cold and the snow/slush and get active outdoors, but I have just ordered a Jillian Michaels DVD that I’m assured can be done in a small space, and I will also dust off a power yoga DVD that was great last winter. I also find that I feel worst about my body when I’m worried about something else… maybe it’s the same with you? All the best in your fight for positive body image! I will be cheering you on!
Anonymous
Hi Katriina, we are very alike! I have the same problem with self-image despite my actual size or weight. It’s not so much about the physical it’s the mental flagellation that I object to! I used to keep these feelings in check by running, but am limited by the weather here I’m afraid, and limited by finances and time that prevent me from exercising inside at a gym or class. I have also been having consistent nightmares over the past week so maybe I am also conscious of the negative self talk as part of my deeper sub-conscious fears?
http://bloggertropolis.blogspot.com/ Steve
Totally agree. Who decides what is perfect anyway? Physical perfection is a fallacy… we are all growing older and changing…!
Anonymous
Hear hear, I should have added that this pressure is now affecting young men as well, so maybe we need to help our sons combat negative self-talk also?
http://www.thesardinetin.com JulieB
Even Elle Mcpherson has had a boob job (apparently…)
Anonymous
Really? Gosh. I knew about kylie and the botox but Elle and the boob job? What do you think the best way to combat negative self-talk is? And your favourite body part of the day is?
http://www.thesardinetin.com JulieB
Apparently if you believe what you read on the internet anyway (always to be taken with a pinch of salt!) Favourite body part of the day is the mouth I think – can be used for so many things
http://www.londoncitymum.com London City Mum
Vix – great post.
The upside of wearing a wetsuit is not having to give a rat’s arse about what part jiggles/is too big/needs toning up/bulges outwards.
The downside is that customers look at me kinda funny if I turn up to business meetings dressed this way. Meh.
And I like my teeth.
LCM x
Anonymous
I remember panicking about having to get into a wetsuit in front of my new man (My Englishman) whilst swiming with dolphins in NZ, and haven’t thought about the camo aspects of wetsuits. Think my clients might baulk at it too though. Love your teeth lady, and I must admit I think you have super toned arms. Loves ya Vx
http://www.expatmum.blogspot.com/ Expat Mum
It’s very funny but even though I’m a very average size for my age and height, I absolutely hate buying clothes. I hate the way things look on me, I hate trying things on; I always end up buying nothing and feeling really fed up. Most people would think I”m mad but it goes back to my teens when all my friends, and my sister, were rake thin and I wasn’t. I wasn’t fat; the jeans I wore back then were tiny; but I wasn’t thin enough. And I still carry that bad body image with me. Really stupid, but back then we didn’t know about Fotoshop!
Love that video though.
Anonymous
That’s the weird thing isn’t it, it’s nothing to do with how we look, whether we are heavy or light for ou average, it’s all about the mental self-image we have. I remember feeling like this about my body when I was young and pretty and six stone! And I remember thinking this when I had some reconstructive surgery done and was looking fit. It’s psychologically unhealthy for us as women to live with such negative self-talk, and boy aren’t we vicious with ourselves! I would never have expected you to feel this way, as willowy and lovely as you are. I’m picking out my eyes as a focus and a part of my body I can focus on to feel better about myself. Starting easy working up to harder and nigh on impossible bits – like my tum and my scars.
As always love your posts. Yes we have to learn to love our bodies for all that they do for us or we will teach our daughters and sons to hate theirs too – healthy, strong, fit and happy is what we should strive to be not these unnatural people brought about by photoshop or the cut of a surgeons knife. I personally love my smile and all the lines that have developed because of it – it means I smile and laugh a lot they are laugh lines to me and something to be treasured not wrinkles that need to be botoxed. I love my hands too because they are strong and yet still gentle and with them I can create and give comfort. Physical beauty fades but when the beauty comes from the inside it never fades on the outside.
Anonymous
Thank you once again for your lovely comment. Yes, I think a great deal can be said for hands and laughter lines. I have both! LOL! We need to encourage our sons and daughters to accept themselves and be the very best they version of themselves they can be. Just heard on the TV this morning the Head of the Plastic Surgeons Assoc complaining about advertising that capitalises on people’s insecurities, like advertising a boob job as part of a divorce package, or tummy tuck as part of a new mother’s package. Depressing stuff!
Anonymous
I too have stood in front of the mirror longing for a way to just chop off all the bump, lumps and wobbly bits. I avoid reflective surfaces whilst out and about too, way too depressing!
Thank goodness I don’t have any daughters. I’d hate for my boys to become overly critical of their bodies and not love themselves just the way they are though…
I go around in a big fatty circle…it always begins with loathing my body and in effect myself for letting it get this hideous…then one morning I’ll wake up and realise how unhealthy my thought process is and I give loving the wobble a try…but eventually that wears off and BOOM! back to self-loathing. eek…it sucks being a woman sometimes.
Anonymous
It really does suck to be a woman sometimes. Although there is a rise in body image problems in men the majority still oocur in women. There is simply nothing more frustrating than having men not see the different standards we hold for men and women. An overweight middle aged man is accomplished, a real career winner, whilst an overweight middle aged woman hasn’t looked after herself, and is a loser.
http://21stcenturymummy.com 21st Century Mummy
Very interesting post. I have a terrible mental image of myself, in fact, I think the only part of me I am happy with is my stomach. I hate buying clothes, like expat mum, and I hate looking in the mirror. I think mine too goes back to when I was at university and put on a lot of weight (thanks to all the pints of cider I used to drink).
I always compare myself to other women – I used to live in Fulham in London – it’s full of blonde, super-skinny (size 6), gorgeous yummy mummies, who never have a hair out of place. So even if you’re a size 10 (curvy – according to some press), you feel fat and ugly.Oh yes, the whole ageing process terrifies me too, I try not to look in case I might spot a grey hair somewhere or another wrinkle.
Anonymous
I have lived that life, surrounded by yummy mummies and it is a bit of a nightmare, though I do realise that this is part of their ‘deal’ with their men. He gets to provide for them, she gets to look polished – like a trophy. I reassure myself I’m nobody’s trophy, but if treated with respect, kindness and love my loyalty and love is a prize. Don’t let’s talk about grey hair – my true hair colour is a secret I keep with my hairdresser!
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