This is for all my friends who have found themselves suddenly single over the past year, and for one in particular who is on the verge of leaving and discovering a new life for herself.
I know it seems churlish to feel excited.
Hearts don't even break even.
Your freedom is his pain, those hearts really don’t break even. But believe it or not feeling excitement or even relief is normal. A whole variety of reactions are normal. You may experience the entire spectrum in a single day. All four seasons – pain, grief, joy, excitement. Becoming suddenly single, whether through your choice, or not, is still change, and change upsets things, no matter how technicolour wonderful. Or how mind bendingly awful. But you can, and will get through. I promise.
When I look back on the three or so years I spent ‘suddenly single’ again, I don’t often think about the hard times, instead I remember numerous things that I learnt. They were tough lessons, sure, but I’m certain I wouldn’t be the person I am today without them.
I learnt that I can wire in a stereo, all by myself, if the choice is between not having music (Impossible!) and potentially frying myself. I learnt how to put the petrol in my car and check the oil, even if I didn’t manage to learn how to replace the bulb in my headlamp, though I did learn where to find someone who did know! I learnt that I could tackle debts and turn red back into black, I could renegotiate repayment terms when money became tight and even talk with the Bank Manager with confidence. I learnt that I am not such a dependent dullard about money. I do not need a husband or male partner/father to ‘organise’ it all for me. I may be the creative one in the family and more about words than numbers but that bollocks about being wasteful and frivolous? That was just a lie intended to keep me in my place, subjugated and dependent.
How surprising! Would wonders never cease? Well, no….
I learnt that I will not turn into a pumpkin if I spend a few Saturday nights alone reading. I wouldn’t become mumsy and boring if I enjoyed meals out with my kids, and picnics on the beach. Simple things. Meals do NOT have to consist of meat and three veg. A salad is a viable option. So is a sandwich if I’m not hungry, and I don’t need to make the effort to feed the family.
I do not fear being on my own more than I fear being in a relationship that drips arsenic into my soul. There are worse things than being on your own – like being with someone who doesn’t see you of today, and only remembers the you of yesterday.
Than discovering that you are fabulously attractive, and smart and sexy. And fun! That you may be a mother but first you are an individual. All those nights sitting in stony silence in front of the TV were a waste of vitality, and life my dear, is far too precious to waste.
I rediscovered long-lost joys - remembering that I love to dance, and watching foreign films especially the ones with subtitles, and occasionally crowd-watching at a crowded pub where I am quite happy enjoying a glass of wine on my own. And more than anything realising that I am not a half looking for my other. I am a whole, complete within myself.
That’s not to say that the next few months will be a picnic, my friend I’m wiser than that. I know how hard it can be, and when it is well you know my number. I will always read a tear stained text in two in the morning, you just might not get a sensible reply back.
I know that divorce and separation does weird things to our family and those we thought were our dearest friends. Don’t be surprised if your mates don’t want to hear about it, or don’t invite you around any longer. It’s as if ‘breaking up’ is a social leprosy. Do our friends really think it’s catching? Or is it simply that our brave steps to freedom highlight the imprisonment they themselves feel? Don’t be surprised if friends take sides, sadly they always seem to, and that side isn’t often the one you’re on.
The upside is that on the other side of the next six months or so is a world of new friendships and new experiences, and new relationships. Well-meaning friends, and family will advise you to not ‘get involved’ too soon with someone else. I always wondered how they made that judgement call on your behalf. If you have spent the last three or four years of your relationship living as strangers, than hasn’t that realationship been dead for a while, and haven’t you served your time in romantic sobriety already?
My advice is more self-serving. Fight for yourself, and your children. Be Boudiccea. Be Joan of Arc, fight to the death for your freedom, but always, always, guard your heart. When the time comes for you to meet that new man (or woman) in your life, you will need that heart as whole as it can possibly be so that it may love again.
And yes, my dear friend, who knows when, or how… it may be in a bar, or a garden in Paris, but one day you will move on to sharing your life with someone once again, but with one major difference.You will always remember what you learnt about yourself – your strength, resolve and guts – in this time when you became suddenly single. You will remember that you are more than a mother, partner, wife, you are you.
Wholly, completely you. No other ‘completes you’, there simply isn’t any need.
Flickr Image:
CC - Gabriela Camerotti - http://www.flickr.com/photos/face_it/
This is for all my friends who have found themselves suddenly single over the past year, and for one in particular who is on the verge of leaving and discovering a new life for herself.
I know it seems churlish to feel excited.
[caption id="attachment_4541" align="alignright" width="229" caption="Hearts don't even break even."][/caption]
Your freedom is his pain, those hearts really don't break even. But believe it or not feeling excitement or even relief is normal. A whole variety of reactions are normal. You may experience the entire spectrum in a single day. All four seasons - pain, grief, joy, excitement. Becoming suddenly single, whether through your choice, or not, is still change, and change upsets things, no matter how technicolour wonderful. Or how mind bendingly awful. But you can, and will get through. I promise.
When I look back on the three or so years I spent 'suddenly single' again, I don't often think about the hard times, instead I remember numerous things that I learnt. They were tough lessons, sure, but I'm certain I wouldn't be the person I am today without them.
I learnt that I can wire in a stereo, all by myself, if the choice is between not having music (Impossible!) and potentially frying myself. I learnt how to put the petrol in my car and check the oil, even if I didn't manage to learn how to replace the bulb in my headlamp, though I did learn where to find someone who did know! I learnt that I could tackle debts and turn red back into black, I could renegotiate repayment terms when money became tight and even talk with the Bank Manager with confidence. I learnt that I am not such a dependent dullard about money. I do not need a husband or male partner/father to 'organise' it all for me. I may be the creative one in the family and more about words than numbers but that bollocks about being wasteful and frivolous? That was just a lie intended to keep me in my place, subjugated and dependent.
How surprising! Would wonders never cease? Well, no....
I learnt that I will not turn into a pumpkin if I spend a few Saturday nights alone reading. I wouldn't become mumsy and boring if I enjoyed meals out with my kids, and picnics on the beach. Simple things. Meals do NOT have to consist of meat and three veg. A salad is a viable option. So is a sandwich if I'm not hungry, and I don't need to make the effort to feed the family.
I do not fear being on my own more than I fear being in a relationship that drips arsenic into my soul. There are worse things than being on your own - like being with someone who doesn't see you of today, and only remembers the you of yesterday.
Than discovering that you are fabulously attractive, and smart and sexy. And fun! That you may be a mother but first you are an individual. All those nights sitting in stony silence in front of the TV were a waste of vitality, and life my dear, is far too precious to waste.
I rediscovered long-lost joys - remembering that I love to dance, and watching foreign films especially the ones with subtitles, and occasionally crowd-watching at a crowded pub where I am quite happy enjoying a glass of wine on my own. And more than anything realising that I am not a half looking for my other. I am a whole, complete within myself.
That's not to say that the next few months will be a picnic, my friend I'm wiser than that. I know how hard it can be, and when it is well you know my number. I will always read a tear stained text in two in the morning, you just might not get a sensible reply back.
I know that divorce and separation does weird things to our family and those we thought were our dearest friends. Don't be surprised if your mates don't want to hear about it, or don't invite you around any longer. It's as if 'breaking up' is a social leprosy. Do our friends really think it's catching? Or is it simply that our brave steps to freedom highlight the imprisonment they themselves feel? Don't be surprised if friends take sides, sadly they always seem to, and that side isn't often the one you're on.
The upside is that on the other side of the next six months or so is a world of new friendships and new experiences, and new relationships. Well-meaning friends, and family will advise you to not 'get involved' too soon with someone else. I always wondered how they made that judgement call on your behalf. If you have spent the last three or four years of your relationship living as strangers, than hasn't that realationship been dead for a while, and haven't you served your time in romantic sobriety already?
My advice is more self-serving. Fight for yourself, and your children. Be Boudiccea. Be Joan of Arc, fight to the death for your freedom, but always, always, guard your heart. When the time comes for you to meet that new man (or woman) in your life, you will need that heart as whole as it can possibly be so that it may love again.
And yes, my dear friend, who knows when, or how... it may be in a bar, or a garden in Paris, but one day you will move on to sharing your life with someone once again, but with one major difference.You will always remember what you learnt about yourself - your strength, resolve and guts - in this time when you became suddenly single. You will remember that you are more than a mother, partner, wife, you are you.
Wholly, completely you. No other 'completes you', there simply isn't any need.
Flickr Image:
CC - Gabriela Camerotti - http://www.flickr.com/photos/face_it/
Tagged as:
advice for broken hearted,
break up,
broken heart,
courage to be suddenly single,
divorce,
inspiration,
single ladies,
single mothers,
strength
