“It’s life in the UK Jim, but it’s not life as we know it.” 
Very shortly I have to traverse the final (we hope) stage in our immigration journey towards attaining a permanent leave to remain visa in the UK. I’ve written (grumped!) lots about this arduous expensive process so I won’t go on about it here, because I already have here and here!
The next steps involve parting with about £4k verifying we are who we say we are in that jewel of a London suburb – Croydon – no doubt being finger-printed (again) and revealing all our biometric details (again! Bust size anyone?) and passing a Life in the UK test.
Most countries have a similar kind of thing, in New Zealand apparently the test is geared around obscure details of the Treaty of Waitangi that only a history graduate (or prospective immigrant) would know. How this is supposed to help you in assimilating into the NZ culture and lifestyle I really don’t know.
The Life in the UK test is likewise, pretty useless.
It asks you such important questions as – how much deposit do you need to stand as a member of the European Union?
Could we care less?
Here’s my unofficial Life in the UK test. This is the stuff you really need to know about living in the UK.
1/ When you use the Tube escalators if you wish to stand you MUST stand on the right otherwise someone will come and order you to do so through pursed (stiff upper..) lips, accompanied by a great deal of tutting? True/False?
2/ S.A.D is a disorder that many living in the UK suffer from. What does S.A.D stand for?
The result of being bombarded daily with Strange And Disturbing News items?
Sexually Amoral and Deviant? – The typical private behaviour of members of the House of Lords? (we’re talking about Mr Osborne, and Black Beauties – no not the horse!)
Stupid And Determined? – the mood of the urban rioters?
3/ When using a roundabout on the road in the UK (particularly in Basingstoke or Milton Keynes) you must never use the inside lane, or you run the risk of never exiting. Ever. True/False?
4/When waiting to board a train the typical British behaviour is to:
Create a flash mob and make use of that brolly! (thwack!)
Stand well back, mind the gap and wait for the next train which won’t be as busy?
Form an orderly queue?
5/ It takes two weeks carried in the saddle of a virginal Boudiccea-lookalike, across the rugged Pennines and along the full length of Hadrian’s wall, for a cheque to be cashed by a local English bank? True/False?
6/ It is written in English law that drinking twelve cups of tea per day is a fundamental Human Right! True/False
7/ Britannia still rules the waves. This time with her nuclear subs? True/False
8/ News from outside of the UK is outlawed by the Minister of Homeland Communications – Mr R Murdoch
True/False
9/ Innit. Bovver. yeah (used as a verbal full stop, sometimes a question mark!) have all been entered into the Oxford English Dictionary and are now accepted as Received Queen’s English. True/False
10/ 11 year olds across the country must all sit the 11 plus exams that are judged by Cheryl Cole and Simon Cowell. These tricky tests ascertain the children’s suitability for appearing on X Factor and their potential for a lifelong career in reality TV. True/False
Answers will be released in the comments later in the day. How well did you do? If you want to have a go and see whether you’d pass the real Life in the UK test test yourself here
Image:Flickr CC DanieVDM
