Step too far?

by vix on March 13, 2010


One of the best things about remarriage is that you get another chance.

Not only with a new husband but also with a whole new inlaw situation too. In the past my inlaws have been nasty. Nasty, nasty. Not at all supportive. In fact so much so that when I had son they didn’t even come to help, didn’t bring a casserole or help with minding baby whilst I slept. Nothing. I split my c-section stitches trying to tidy the house.

Happy Days.

Not only do I have the most yummy Englishman who I picked up met in Paris, but he has the nicest family. His brother, the soldier dude is lovely and the next best thing to having a little brother, his Mum and Dad are very sweet, and very English!!!! It’s all good.

Except, there’s the problem with the step.

Of course my Englishman and I have three children (from my first marriage) and thankfully we don’t have to integrate siblings as my hubby doesn’t have any children of his own. He has (rather wonderfully!!) accepted my three as his own children. The relationship is so strong that my youngest (Miss Ten) has started to call him Dad. This is great except, his parents, cannot bring themselves to accept the children as his, or as their grandchildren. Or is it step-grandchildren?

I was a wee bit hurt at Christmas time when his parents popped down here from North Yorks for Christmas and then took his brother’s children out for the day, leaving mine at home. Only a wee bit hurt, I mean after all they don’t get to see their grandkids much.

But now my Englishman has come home from a family funeral with the news that his parents will be minding his nieces over the school holidays and will not mind ours so that we can take some time out together. Basically this means that we are stuck on parent-duty 24/7/365. We can’t leave the kids at home (despite the eldest being 16) for any length of time because Dark Princess may burn the house down. And of course Son won’t do his swot for his GCSEs. We need some adult supervision to keep things on the straight and narrow and to stop Miss Ten’s eyes from becoming entirely cuboid after being ensconced in her Nintendo for hours at a time.

We cannot afford to hire a nanny, nor can we afford to send them to NZ to stay with their father. We don’t have any single friends to stay with kids. We are stuck.

What do you think? I feel more than vaguely miffed that my Mother in law won’t help us. Am I being completely unreasonable? What do other people do? Expats, what do you do with the kids?

What usually happens in step-grandparent relationships? Does anyone know?

Image Flickr CC by bensons

  • YummyNo1

    I think you are rightly miffed! Surely as their son sees the children as his own, they should accept this and treat them as they would their other grandchildren?
    I see my step-mum treating her own daughters children differently to how she treats mine and that really hurts me too.
    I don't know, I think some people just don't embrace the whole step-family thing as well as others which is such a great shame and can be so hurtful : (

  • Angelhales

    I am yet to have any experience of step grandkids etc. Its quite possible in the future that J may become one now that his father (who he hasnt seen in over two years) has just had his second child by another woman and I know she wants to get her hands on J. I would expect (very unwillingly) that the family, all of them, her parents and brothers and sisters etc to include J like their own. Have you or your hubby spoken to them about why they find it so hard to accept them as their grandkids or anything? Maybe they dont realise they are doing it? It must be hard for you both not getting a break, I know what it can be like as a single mum and little ounce of spare time is a godsend! xxx

  • MrsW

    I think would find it hard to be miffed. I have two teenage children with my ex-husband and me and my new beau (how quaint is that? what does one called one's shacked up partner when you're over 40?!) have a 4yo together. My older two have weekly contact with their Dad but little with his extended family unless he arranges it. I made efforts when they were little to stay in touch with their fraternal grandparents and cousins and aunts etc. They, on the other hand, made none. For 6 years anyway – until me and my OH met – then they suddenly became interested in the children and I told them where to go!

    Me and MrW have been together 8 years and whilst his parents were delighted and include my 2 in their grandchildren count, I never expected or asked them to be babysitting types. They are somewhat older than my own parents and I guess having my Mum and sister so close I never felt the need. But even if they hadn't been I suspect I would have found it difficult to shoe-horn my ready made family into their ready-made family. Don't get me wrong, MrsW Snr certainly seems to adore my two… in a different way. But even I find it hard to get all gooey eyed about teenagers. They are challenging enough for parents sometimes, let alone grandparents!

    The familial bonds in our society are generally through the maternal line, mothers to daughters, I don't look forward to the day some MiL becomes the Snr generation in my son's families but don't kid myself it's not a likely scenario – tis somewhat true that you always have a daughter but a son is just on loan.

    Since you MiL has two sons though? I dunno the answer. There probably isn't one.

    Now I have three children varying so much in age, the sleepovers at Granny's or with their cousins have stopped. They take up too much space. As they get older it ironically gets harder to just muck in together and get a night out. Their personalities are diverging, the fact that there's only one teen boy IS now important in a way it wasn't when my sister and I had 4 under 4. It's just changed. And it will change again. And I will regret the passing of each each stage as it goes and look forward to the next one :)

  • Angelhales

    Do you have a neighbour that could keep an eye on them incase the house was to say burn down! Or that could just pop in and check everythings ok if you were to say go away for a night but literally just to a hotel down the road kind of thing, test the water a bit first and see what happens? May give you a bit more confidence about it.

    By the time I was 16, my brother was 14 my folks used to go away for a weekend but we'd have a neighbour that popped their head in a couple of times a day to check all was ok.

  • Me , The Man & The Baby

    Sorry to hear about this! Since cutting my family out of my life we can hardly escape the house as babysitters are hard to come by. My partner's Mum wont have Oli for the night until he is sleeping through as she doesn't want to get up in the night.

    If only we lived closer together , I would of loved to have come & sat with your kids. I miss babysitting!! x

  • themadhouse

    This isnt a STEP thing, its a Grandparents thing, My MIL never has the boys even if asked 9well begged), but she has my neice who is 7 all the time. It used to really upset me, but now I focus on what they are missing rather than what we are missing.

    yes it would be really ncie to go out and have a meal together, but hey ho.

  • vegemitevix

    Thanks Yummy one! I don't know what to do because as you know I don't have anyone in this hemisphere to help and haven't yet made any friends…

  • vegemitevix

    Well my ex-inlaws didn't help at all when I lived in same town as them and my family were all in Australia, so you're right it can be a grandparent thing. My mother suggested it was because they don't know the kids and they aren't little kids… but I was hoping for a little more support really. It's hard to not take it personally. :-( My kids are not brats either…

  • vegemitevix

    Hubby was very upset really and said 'Oh well wait till I tell them we're moving to NZ where you have friends and family support!' I guess it wasn't the time to push the issue being as it was a funeral and everyone was really upset.

    I wonder whether I should let the kids stay on their own. Son is 16 in 6 weeks? What do you think? But then of course it would be for short periods certainly no more than a weekend away… sigh..

  • vegemitevix

    You would be miffed or you wouldn't be? I wasn't quite sure. Interesting point you raise about the MIL familial lines that is true in my observation. I guess the problem is really highlighted by the fact that I have no one else here, in this hemisphere. Tricky hey.

    I don't want to force the relationship at all. I can understand it must be weird and they are all still trying to get to know each other. Yes it makes a big difference when they're teenagers and they have their own personalities..

  • vegemitevix

    Yeah Worcester is quite a wee away though LOL! You have great choice of names by the way. My Oli is now almost 16 and he's huge!!

  • http://www.momentsofwhimsy.com/ Cate

    Okay – as an ex-pat myself with no family in the country at all – we had to suck it up, and simply didn't go away for years there (our kids were younger at the time though). Mind you, when Grandma (my mother) did visit from Sydney, we tended to book in an anniversary weekend or such to take advantage of the situation. My in-laws however, have not assisted me once in 21 years of marriage – even when we lived 15 mins from them, and I was home recovering after a nasty labour / emergency c/section with my first child. I've never had a gift, even a “Happy Birthday” said to me – let alone an offer to babysit – so they have never factored in.
    In your case though, I do wonder if it is more that your kids are older and your hubby's parents simply don't know how to approach them, or wonder if they are even wanted to become grandparent figures. I think this is going to com down to hubby having a gentle word, then maybe you assist them to all get to know each other via a few smaller outings before you try to babysitting thing.
    Just my 2 cents worth :-)

  • http://www.momentsofwhimsy.com/ Cate

    Have just re-read y comment – gosh, I shouldn't type when so tired, I seem to drop off letters and look very illiterate……

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  • Kirsty

    Haven't had to face that situation yet and at this rate I never will!! However, my brother remarried and his second wife's two children are often looked after by my parents and are considered by them to be 'bonus grandchildren'. They call Mum and Dad, Gran and Grandad just like all the others. Its really lovely actually.
    And even Davids evil mother took my girls to the circus not long ago (even if she did decide to upgrade to ringside seats at double the price at my expense but without my permission!! – but thats another story)
    So, yeah,…..I woud be miffed too. I suspect they're just very old fashioned and are finding it hard to adjust to the new modern idea of family. They need to get over themselves.

  • vegemitevix

    No you sound very literate to me! I wonder if it's the age thing too. Hubby's really embarrassed and upset about it. I wonder whether we will just try and get a neighbour to check on them if I made a couple of days' worth of food…

    Of course if the sodding ex paid more child support we could afford to pay for a uni student …

  • vegemitevix

    Hello gorgeous thank you for commenting here. Interesting that the evil mil in waiting( lol) took the girls out, that's a good thing!

    I guess I'll just have to rely on the oldest and turn off the electricity????

    They are pretty old fashioned. Would it be different if we had a child together I wonder. (Not that I'm planning to)

  • notesfromlapland

    you say they seem nice otherwise. I'm not judging your hubby here but going off how mine is – could it be that hubby just hasn't actually asked them? I know if I were to send mine to do such a task he would probably fanny around the edges of the issue dropping hints quietly and if they weren't picked up on he would sort of skulk off and assume the answer was no. could this be it? Have you tried asking them directly? Maybe phone them up for a chat and ask?

    The other thing could also be because the kids are older and they are afraid of them a little – teens can seem very off putting to people and they may think that they don't want them to be proper grandparents?

    But yes, I would be miffed and i can't imagine that my mother or my hubbys family would be like this – in fact they would probably be so far the other way that is would become irritating as they went out of their way to be 'family'.

    Another thought I just had – if they haven't been asked outright they may be feeling a little shunned themselves but waiting for you to come to them so they don't come over as pushy – you know how us English are…

  • themoiderer

    I would be miffed given that they look after the other grandkids. If they didn't look after any I would understand. I guess it depends on their attitude to kids. My step grandparents on my stepfathers side were fabulous with my brother and I and treated us as their own. I think it's down to them as individuals and although it's a shame for your kids to miss out, I don't see the point in pushing it. I assume your hubby's brother treats them as nephews/nieces?
    Family eh? bah!

  • utterlyscrummy

    I know exactly what you mean. I really feel for you as I know how it is not having any childcare, family or otherwise, in a new place and desperately needing some time away. You have every right to feel hurt and angry, it is not on the way that they are treating you and your children. I also feel sorry for your husband being stuck in the middle. Could his brother and wife perhaps help out? I think it may get better with time, you never know. I also think that us Kiwis are just more easy going and accepting and that makes it for us to get the Brits sometimes.

    In the almost 4 years we have been in the UK this time we have had 2 short breaks and that was only because I was 5 months pregnant when we moved over and my mother lived with us here for 18 months. When my husband had a brain haemorrhage and nearly died 7 days before our 3 child was born none of his realtives came over, not even his brother. If my mother had not been living with us then we would have had no-one. It took him 5 months to get back to work and is still slightly dodgy even now. It is really hard not having that built in support network of family and friends, especially when the family is right there but unwilling to do anything.

    We have in law issues as well. The only useful thing that my mother in law gave to my husband was her UK ancestry which made it easy for us to get permanent Right of Abode. That's right she's English but lives in NZ with my brotherinlaw who is 43 and still living at home. Best not to go there, another story. She has never offered to help out with the kids, even when we were in NZ and only came to visit for a week at a time at very short notice. She was a very difficult visitor and not pleasant to me at all and barely tolerated the children. She has not come to the UK to see us at all either.

    My fatherinlaw was brilliant when we were in NZ even though he lived 300km away. However, his wife, my stepmotherinlaw (also English) had her own children and grandchildren when they married and did not want to know ours.

    My fatherinlaw who is lovely always had to come and visit on his own and could only stay a few days at a time or his wife could really kick off until he returned home. He wants to come over and see us but my stepmotherinlaw is too crook to travel this far and refuses to let him come on his own. He is gutted, as are we.

    I am sure it can't just be a Brit thing, but a general blended family thing. Unfortunately I cannot see an easy solution for you. Perhaps your hubby could have a word on the quiet with his olds? Either that or invite himself and your kids along on the next grandkids outing? If they spend time with your kids and your hubby that might ease the way.

    I really hope things get sorted for you. Kia kaha.

  • http://newdaynewlesson.wordpress.com/ Susie @ Newdaynewlesson

    I agree with what some of the others have said and I think you and your husband have to be a bit more direct. Even exaggerate to a point-how you are really overwhelmed, really need to get away for a night, it would be a tremendous help. You know how difficult it may be for them….You don't mind it being in your house or theirs..

    I know how hard it is for us independent minded women to ask like that-but trust me it works.

    My in-laws are fab. They moved here when we did because all their other kids had already moved and what life is their without your kids and grandkids. That is the right attitude I think and I do emulate that side to it. That being said, it will be a bit longer till I get help again cause MIL had surgery recently.

    However when my older ones are around they are 18 and 19..

    If you all come to Israel for a visit-I will have your kids for a few days while you guys go away. :-)

  • vegemitevix

    I think that's probably what we're going to have to do. We have left them overnight before and we just shouted out to the neighbours that I was gone and would be back in the morning. I do wonder though how long is too long to leave them. Would love to find some sunshine and there isn't any within three hours (by plane) of the UK!

  • vegemitevix

    It could be that he was a little obtuse in asking. I asked him and he waffled a little so maybe that's the problem after all. I think the kids being older is a real off-putting feature too.

  • vegemitevix

    Hubby's brother is great though he can't look after them either because he's split with his wife and with his new partner he has four children of his own! Though they do benefit from the exes looking after the kids on weekends etc. We don't have that luxury, as my noxious ex is in New Zealand.

  • vegemitevix

    Gosh what a story!!! You are going to have to email me your details so we can natter more.. sounds like my family background… an episode from a soap opera (mine not yours!) I'm sorry to hear about your hubby's medical problems and hope he's ok. I think it is a blended family thing not just a Brit thing. We see hubby's parents twice a year or so as they live good six hours drive from us, so that could also be the problem. I also think they are focussed on spending their semi-retirement doing what they want to do. Hubby finds this a bit tough to swallow as they are only in their fifties..

  • vegemitevix

    You're so perceptive. I very rarely ask anyone for help!!! I'd prefer to poke out my eyeballs and eat them! Would love to come back to Israel and tried to get hubby excited about the idea, though he'd have to square away work restrictions..

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